We’re taking steps to protect you, our valued listener

You may be wondering how the entire Radio 9 organization is responding to the worldwide coronavirus pandemic.

Rest assured, we are taking steps immediately to protect our host and you, our valued listener, from exposure:

  • Jay Thurber has been wrapped in a protective layer of Saran Wrap, with a double layer over his mouth.
     
  • All music is being brought to a rolling boil before broadcast, and then held at 160 degrees F before we serve it piping-hot to you.
     
  • The oldies “Boogie Fever,” “Rock’n Pneumonia & Boogie-Woogie Flu,” “Breathless” and “Dizzy” have been removed from the playlist as “insensitive.”
     
  • Jay Thurber also has requested that we no longer play “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” by Frank Zappa, for what he says are “personal reasons.”
     
  • Record needles now administer vitamins B12 and C to boost immune system response.
     
  • All staff have switched from a competing cigarette to the smooth, filtered taste of Chesterfields, which 4 out of 5 doctors agree causes no harmful throat or lung irritation.
     
  • A Lysol wipe has been inserted between the first and second audio amplification stages of our transmitter, to filter germs from the broadcast signal.
     
  • Our microphones have been covered with non-lubricated, reservoir-tip prophylactics.
     
  • We are sanitizing all frequently touched surfaces with disinfectant. If the disinfectant runs out, we have already purchased a flamethrower.
     
  • We are using our feet to press all of the buttons and handles in the studio. Although this has caused a number of serious technical foul-ups, listeners are not likely to be able to detect any difference in the quality of the show, such as it is.
     

 

Posted in Tongue Firmly in Cheek | Leave a comment

The Who Mourns for a Piece of Yesterday’s Christmas Incident

I’m envisioning an episode of “Star Trek” where they visit a planet whose civilization is based entirely on Hallmark Channel Christmas movies….

(MUSIC “ENTERPRISE” THEME, ESTABLISH and UNDER)

(ON-SCREEN: Enterprise in orbit around Earth-like planet)

KIRK (V/O): “Captain’s Log: Star Date 6712.24. We received a distress call from Mistletoe IX, a Class M planet in the Yuletide system.”

(CUT TO ENTERPRISE BRIDGE)

KIRK: “Mr. Spock. Analysis?” ·

SPOCK: “A curious atmosphere, captain. About two-thirds of the planet is covered in water. Most of the land seems to be covered in snow. And yet based on the lifestyles of the inhabitants, the temperature rarely drops below freezing.”

Continue reading

Posted in Tongue Firmly in Cheek | Leave a comment

Facts revealed in the new Mr. Rogers biopic

The new movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” stars Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers, beloved Pittsburgh icon, influential children’s television programmer and one of the best-loved American personalities of all-time.

Here are some of the startling facts depicted in the movie, which opens this week:

  • “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” originally debuted on network radio as “The Johns-Mansville Asbestos Hour Starring Ed Wynn.”
  • “Lady Elaine Fairchild” was not, as most people believe, a puppet, but an actress named Gladys Pryzebelich from Wilmerding who had a rare growth hormone deficiency. When she died in 2014 at age 94, she was buried in a New Balance shoe box.
  • In a 2001 referendum, residents of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe rejected as “too expensive” a proposal from then-City Council candidate Bill Peduto to add bike lanes.
  • Since retiring, X the Owl works occasionally as a docent at the National Aviary on Pittsburgh’s North Side. In his spare time, he enjoys catching voles and other small rodents.
  • For an April Fool’s Day prank in 1973, two PBS staples, Fred Rogers and William F. Buckley Jr., hosted each others’ shows. But the episodes never aired after PBS executives concluded that while Mr. Rogers vastly improved the quality of “Firing Line,” Buckley was easily outwitted by Daniel Striped Tiger.
  • Until budget cuts during the Reagan administration, the Neighborhood Trolley ran along the Parkway East and U.S. 30 to Rogers’ hometown of Latrobe, making the round trip in 28 hours and 14 minutes.
  • Fred Rogers’ red zip-up cardigan sweater, handmade for him by his mother, is in the permanent collection of the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. His sneakers were purchased by Dr. Scholl’s as a laboratory standard and are used to test all of that company’s various orthotic products.
  • Stay seated until the closing credits to see scenes from the next thrilling installment in this new Marvel Comics franchise.
Posted in (sad trombone), Tongue Firmly in Cheek | Leave a comment

What to expect during the impeachment hearings

Impeachment is a congressional investigation into alleged misconduct by the President of the United States. At the end of the process, the House of Representatives refers any evidence that has been gathered to the U.S. Senate, which then holds a trial.

In the history of the United States, only two Presidents have faced impeachment — Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. Richard Nixon resigned before formal impeachment proceedings began.

Here’s what to expect as Congress begins impeachment proceedings against President Trump:

  • Each day’s testimony introduced by the “Let’s get ready to rumble!” guy
  • Members of House of Representatives will be trying out catchphrases, like “That’s-a good-a testimony!” and “The indictments don’t stop ’til we reach the top!”
  • “Baby Trump” balloon bouncing around in the gallery like a beach ball at a Phish concert
  • Administration officials holding oversized fedoras in front of their faces to avoid photographers wielding Speed Graphics and giant flashguns
  • Witnesses trying to come as close as possible to describing a crime without going over, then risking it all on a “Daily Double”
  • NPR’s Mara Liasson and Susan Davis on the red carpet outside the Capitol, describing who’s hot and who’s not
  • A free small “Frosty” at participating Wendy’s locations if any of that day’s witnesses present evidence that Trump is a Russian operative (limit one per customer)
  • U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams in a neutral corner, getting ready to throw in a towel if proceedings become too violent
  • Kellyanne Conway becoming so enraged that she stomps her right foot into the ground, then rips herself in two trying to pull it out
  • An overwhelming sense that the end of American democracy is getting closer and there’s sweet f-ck all that we can do about it
Posted in (sad trombone), Rants, Tongue Firmly in Cheek | Leave a comment

CMU never closed due to weather, until it did

This one goes out to all of my CMU-affiliated peeps, in honor of the #PolarVortex.

I see people on social media griping about Carnegie Mellon University being closed due to extremely cold weather. Some people think CMU wimped out, while others think they should have closed sooner.

Well, kids, grab your cup of cocoa and settle in as Uncle Jay tells you a story.

It was January 1994 — exactly 25 years ago — and I was an undergraduate commuting by bus from the Mon Valley to Carnegie Mellon.

And it was cold. Not cold like today.

Cold like the heart of your student-loan collection agency.

Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Uncle Jay’s TV Reviews: “Murphy Brown”

The reviews of the “Murphy Brown” re-boot are in, and they’re not kind. I watched it with very low expectations — and I laughed a lot, to my own surprise.

(Spoiler alerts follow)

Continue reading

Posted in Uncle Jay's Movie Reviews | Leave a comment

Uncle Jay’s Movie Reviews: “Murder on the Orient Express”


We saw “Murder on the Orient Express” last night.

Capsule review: I had very low expectations, because the reviews have been mixed. It exceeded all of my hopes.

It is a very faithful adaptation of the original Agatha Christie novel — probably more faithful than the famous 1974 movie starring Albert Finney.

And the cinematography is wonderful.

Continue reading

Posted in Uncle Jay's Movie Reviews | Leave a comment