If you really want to see me, check the papers and the TV

Like a lot of people, I’ve been considering getting off of Facebook for a while.

I’ve already cut down the amount of time I spend there, but that’s a little bit like cutting your cigarette consumption from two packs a day to one pack — you’re still making yourself sick, just more slowly.

And I’ve concluded Facebook is making me sick.

I’ve joked with my shrink that Facebook has been a great benefit to the psychologists of America, because it’s generated so much business.

After all, how many people have had fights, ended relationships, got into arguments, cheated on their spouses, alienated themselves from friends and family, or lost their jobs because of Facebook?

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It’s been comcraptic!

I like to be honest with listeners.

So we’ve been having some problems the past few weeks getting the show on the air at 12 noon. You’ve been annoyed and if I had any hair on my head, I would be pulling it out.

Today (July 31), after two hours of emergency troubleshooting by me and Mike Xu, the chief engineer at WRCT 88.3FM, here’s what we think is going on: Comcast Business is boning us. Again.

And we now think this problem has been going on for a while — we thought it was something either I or WRCT was doing wrong, but it isn’t.

This is the beauty of trying to have a studio in a low-income area like McKeesport — you barely get second-rate Internet and phone service. It’s more like third-rate.

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You can’t root for what you can’t watch

If you haven’t heard already, the ratings for the Sunday broadcast of the Academy Awards were the lowest in history.

According to Nielsen, 9.85 million people watched the broadcast. By comparison, 23.9 million people watched the year before.

One big problem, of course, is that many movie theaters were closed most of last year. But ratings for the award ceremonies have been declining for a long time.

Ken Levine, an award-winning writer and director, baseball play-by-play announcer and podcaster — leave some talent for the rest of us, geez — has some thoughts about “Why no one gives a shit about the Oscars”:

One of the reasons that the Academy Awards are such an afterthought is that movies play a much smaller role in our lives.

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How to spot fraudulent vaccination cards

As businesses and events re-open, some say they will require employees or visitors to have their COVID-19 vaccination cards.

Now, police in several states are reporting that counterfeit vaccination cards are being sold on the Internet.

What are some signs that you have a fraudulent COVID-19 vaccination card?

“CDC” is spelled wrong

Card is printed on the back of a Burger King placemat

Instead of “Pfizer,” “Moderna” or “Janssen,” product is described as “one of them Fauci ouchies”

Instructions on card are in English, Spanish and Klingon

Card has holes punched in it and entitles bearer to a free 6-inch sub after five more COVID-19 vaccinations

Card is sticky and smells faintly of Topps bubble gum

Back of card lists bearer’s horoscope, lucky numbers and weight

Card doesn’t have authentic laser hologram image of winking Joe Biden

Card includes spaces to list other shots for rabies, distemper and heartworms

Reminder message says, “Return for your second dose … if you dare!”

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The words of the profits were written on the studio wall

As I frequently mention on the air, I was a big fan of the late Doug Hoerth and a heavy listener of WTAE (1250) when it was in its all-talk heyday — a lineup that included, at one point, O’Brien & Garry, Lynn Cullen, Hoerth, Ann Devlin, Myron Cope, Phil Musick and Larry King overnights. It was a murderer’s row of Pittsburgh talk radio.

When I was in high school, I mostly got to listen to Hoerth in the summertime and on weekends, so I vividly remember how disappointed I was in 1990 when his “infamous Saturday show” (a freewheeling panel discussion/trivia contest hosted by Hoerth and his buddies) was shortened so that WTAE could pick up repeats of a new syndicated show by someone named Rush Limbaugh.

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Top complaints about “Wonder Woman 1984”

(Warner Bros. Entertainment)

“Wonder Woman 1984,” the second movie installment starring Gal Gadot in the title role, debuted last week in theaters and on HBO Max. Although eagerly awaited by fans, many are reporting their disappointment and frustration.

What are some of their complaints about “Wonder Woman 1984”?

  • Adaptation is very unfaithful to the source material, George Orwell’s classic novel

  • Not a single song from Van Halen’s album on the soundtrack

  • Fans dislike Wonder Woman’s new catchphrases, “whoopsy-doodle” and “whatchu talkin’ about, Steve Trevor?”

  • Gene Hackman’s role as the villain in the first movie has been reduced to a tiny cameo

  • Celebrities popping out of windows as Wonder Woman scales the side of a building include Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson and Bernie Goetz

  • Scenes where Wonder Woman can fly, run faster than Mach 1 and turn her plane invisible are believable, but losing a fight to the Target Lady seems unlikely

  • Blooper reel at end featuring Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise feels forced

  • Where were Debra Winger and Lyle Waggoner?

  • Product placement for Reebok Pumps, Trapper Keepers and Cabbage Patch Kids is tiresome

  • Far-fetched subplot about how a failing, amoral, lying businessman with a stupid name is able to gain control of the United States just because he had a successful TV show
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Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free

(There are several updates at the bottom of this post)

I don’t often get legal threats, but I’m kind of tickled to get this one:

———- Forwarded message ———
Date: Mon, Oct 26, 2020 at 10:41 AM
Subject: Offensive Twitter Posts
To: WRCT General Manager
Cc: WRCT Business, WRCT Social Media, WRCT Public Affairs

To whom it may concern,

I am reaching out to you as a community member about an offensive
Twitter post that was shared among someone portraying to be with your

Jay Thurber had posted online some hurtful things about me over the
summer that was just brought to my attention. I am a decorated first
responder with nearly a decade of service. I started when I was
14-years-old and I do not appreciate the hurtful lies being spread
about me.

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Trump, Trump, Trump ’til our grandkids take the car keys away

News item:

It will be fun, fun, fun under the California sun for many well-heeled attendees at today’s Donald Trump fundraiser in Newport Beach — the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday morning that the Beach Boys would be the main attraction performing for the president and his supporters at the Orange County campaign event, with tickets ranging from $2,800 per donor to $150,000 a couple for co-chair status. As hardcore Beach Boys fans know, the group booked for the tony fundraiser is a licensed touring edition led by Love, who has not been shy about appearing with Trump in the past. (Variety)

I’ve written some new lyrics for Mike Love to sing to President Trump the next time he performs for him. I hope he likes ’em.


Off the Palm Beach parkway
There’s a place I want to stay
That’s where I always like to go
To hide away from the law
Golf balls in the sand
Charbroiled hamberder in my hand
It costs the taxpayers a hundred grand
Every time I want to go
Down to Mar-a-Lago

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The pants exemption card

Apparently the pants exemption card I posted on Facebook and Twitter back on June 24 went viral on those services as well as Reddit, so here’s a high-resolution one as well as a downloadable PDF.

I’m going to go ahead and release it under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-ND 2.0) license.

You’re welcome to have fun with it, but please credit Jay Thurber and link to www.jaythurbershow.com.

Remember, kids: Don’t let the LIBERALS at Big Pants push you around! You have the freedom guaranteed by our pants-less founding fathers!

Clip, laminate and save this card, and if someone tries to say, “Sorry, we require pants to enter this Dollar Tree,” reach into wherever you’re keeping your wallet and pull it out!

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“You are a very foolish man.”

Working from home these last few months of The Plague Year has given me a lot of time to work on my audition tape for “The Jerky Boys.” I really need to start taping these calls, I guess, for use on the show …

(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Elizabeth, PA.”)

Me: “Hello?”

(noisy sound of call center)

Me: “Hello? Hello? Are you OK? Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is Allen from U.S. Pharmacy, how are you?”

Me: “Lynn? Hey, Lynn, how are you? Are you OK? Everything OK there?”

Caller: “Uh … yes, sir, thank you for your concern. Do you need any medications?”

Me: “Sure. What y’all got?”

Caller: “We have Viagra” (pronounced “vee-AH-gara”) “Cialis, painkillers …”

Me: “How about that marijuana?”

Caller: “Marijuana, sir?”

Me: “Yeah, the mary-ju-ana. Cannabis? Wacky weed? Wildwood flower? A little Tijuana mama-jama?”

Caller: “Uh … yes sir. What is your card number?”

Me: “My what now?”

Caller: “Your medical marijuana card number.”

Me: “I need a card now? This feller down on the corner don’t never ask me for no card.”

(dial tone)

Me: “Hello?”

(Phone rings. Caller ID says “Glenshaw, PA.”)

Me: “Hello?”

(loud click and buzzing noise)

Caller: “Good day, this is (unintelligible) from R.D. Chemists. How are you today, sir?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty good, there, son, how are you?”

Caller: “You have recently ordered drugs from us, sir, and we want to know if you are ready for refills.”

Me: “What all kinds of drugs did I order there, fella?”

Caller: “Uh … ” (stifles a giggle) “are you on drugs right now?”

Me: “I’m on a lot of drugs, son. What in particular do you need?”

Caller: “I don’t need …” (sighs) “… we sell drugs … You ordered … Wyagra” (pronounced “WYE-ag-ra”) “and Cialis.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I know her.”

Caller: “You know who, sir?”

Me: “Wyagra Seealis. I went to high school with her.”

Caller: “Sir, well, we are talking about different things. We sell Wyagra and Cialis. We have good deals on Wyagra.”

Me: “Yeah, she gave me a good deal one time after school. Under the bleachers.”

Caller: “You are wasting my time, sir.”

Me: “She didn’t waste my time, I’ll tell you that much. How’s Wyagra doing?”

Caller: “You are a very foolish man. Go away.”

(dial tone)

Me: “Hello?”

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