We’re taking steps to protect you, our valued listener

You may be wondering how the entire Radio 9 organization is responding to the worldwide coronavirus pandemic.

Rest assured, we are taking steps immediately to protect our host and you, our valued listener, from exposure:

  • Jay Thurber has been wrapped in a protective layer of Saran Wrap, with a double layer over his mouth.
     
  • All music is being brought to a rolling boil before broadcast, and then held at 160 degrees F before we serve it piping-hot to you.
     
  • The oldies “Boogie Fever,” “Rock’n Pneumonia & Boogie-Woogie Flu,” “Breathless” and “Dizzy” have been removed from the playlist as “insensitive.”
     
  • Jay Thurber also has requested that we no longer play “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” by Frank Zappa, for what he says are “personal reasons.”
     
  • Record needles now administer vitamins B12 and C to boost immune system response.
     
  • All staff have switched from a competing cigarette to the smooth, filtered taste of Chesterfields, which 4 out of 5 doctors agree causes no harmful throat or lung irritation.
     
  • A Lysol wipe has been inserted between the first and second audio amplification stages of our transmitter, to filter germs from the broadcast signal.
     
  • Our microphones have been covered with non-lubricated, reservoir-tip prophylactics.
     
  • We are sanitizing all frequently touched surfaces with disinfectant. If the disinfectant runs out, we have already purchased a flamethrower.
     
  • We are using our feet to press all of the buttons and handles in the studio. Although this has caused a number of serious technical foul-ups, listeners are not likely to be able to detect any difference in the quality of the show, such as it is.
     

 

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